her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
