i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize