Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
