We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
