Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
