i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
