She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
