she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
