i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
