our cab driver is having phone sex.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
