It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
