I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
