a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
