It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
