I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
