Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
