It's like God shit irony all over that family
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
