I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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