Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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