Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
