Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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