forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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