thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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