Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
