But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
