i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
