yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
