hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
