Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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