Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize