Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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