Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
