i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize