Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
