Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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