did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
