Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize