Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
