Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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