I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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