OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
organizing the empties. That sober.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
