Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
