New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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