Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
