I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
