I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
