I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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