i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
