It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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