i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
