he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
