i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
