I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
