Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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