I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize