I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
