the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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