She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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