I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
