areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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