Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
