Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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