So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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