69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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