It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
