Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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