and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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