if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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